When I First Died — A Song About Collapse and Return
When I First Died — A Song About Collapse and Return
When I First Died is an autobiographical song rooted in a real medical emergency — a moment where the body failed completely and life briefly stopped. The lyrics document the event plainly, without dramatization or metaphorical distance, allowing the weight of the experience to speak for itself.
The song begins not with chaos, but with effort. Movement is slow, impaired, deliberate. The act of stepping into the street is not framed as escape, but as instinct — a last attempt to remain conscious while the body shuts down. There are no witnesses at first. No audience. Only stillness.
The Absence of a Heartbeat
The central image of the song is quiet and unsettling: a heart without motion. Rather than describing fear, the lyrics focus on physical fact — coldness, stillness, and the sudden absence of agency. This restraint reflects the reality of the moment itself, where emotion is overtaken by shutdown.
Medical intervention arrives not as salvation, but as uncertainty. The responders doubt recovery. Adrenaline is administered directly into the heart — a violent, last-resort act described without embellishment. Survival, when it comes, is described later as improbable rather than triumphant.
Survival Without Resolution
What follows is not rebirth, but aftermath. Doctors express surprise. The amount of alcohol consumed is described as lethal beyond expectation — “too much for two.” The song does not frame survival as victory or lesson. It simply acknowledges that return does not undo what was crossed.
Musically, When I First Died maintains a restrained, minimalist approach. Sparse instrumentation, slow pacing, and open space mirror the physical and emotional stillness of the event. There is no dramatic build or release — only continuity, reflection, and distance.
A Place Within the XoirdrioX Catalog
This song aligns closely with other XoirdrioX works that explore fragility, isolation, and altered states of being, including
“You Traded All Your Love Away” and “Without a Heart.”
Together, these pieces examine moments where something essential is lost — or nearly lost — and what remains afterward.
When I First Died is not a song about addiction, recovery, or redemption. It is about the threshold itself — the moment where life paused, and the uncertain return that followed.
👉 You can listen to When I First Died on Bandcamp:
https://xoirdriox.bandcamp.com
For more background on the project, visit the
XoirdrioX Music Bio page
or explore other releases on
smoljanovic.eu
